October 6th, 2008 / 1 Comment » / by Bee
I’ve been reading a lot and it’s not normal. I am an avid reader but I know when my reading habit crossed the border from normal healthy reading habit to obsessively abnormal. The last time I was this abnormal was years ago when I was jobless and slightly suicidal. (pretend I did not just say that word).
Anyway, I was home for Eid and all I ever did was read like crazy. I didn’t go anywhere not even to visit the neighbour’s house (because my family thought there’s something going on between me and the neighbour’s son – that’s so Eww). Talk about being antisocial all over again! But that’s not the point, the point is I was reading like crazy and when I say crazy, trust me I know CRAZY like I know the back of my own hands. I actually read the entire Twilight Sagas in five days! Four thick books in FIVE DAYS… and it was like I did nothing the entire Eid but read! ….. LIKE CRAZY!
Honestly, I think it’s another one of my defense mechanism. It’s escapism… well sort off. Who could blame me with the looming threat of my father coming to visit to parade around his new wife in front of my mother’s family? And the fact that my family had lost yet another family member this year doesn’t help much either. One would marvel at the various methods I used to escape the crying fest that would ensue every time a close family friend came for a visit. At one time, I even volunteered to cook! … Yeah, it was that bad.
Anyway, if it’s any consolation to me, the books are not that bad. Actually they’re pretty good. So good that the sagas are actually a rather HUGE phenomenon in the US. Well not as huge as Harry Potter and LOTR but good enough to catch my interest. I bought the first book first. After staying up reading it the whole night, I bought the other two books the very next day and the last book in the Saga was bought yesterday. I was obsessed! But it’s good to know I am not the only one crazy about the Twilight Sagas… apparently they have this Stephanie Meyer’s DAY in USA as a tribute to the author who created this phenomenon. Crazy.
What am I doing…?
I lost my point somewhere in the third paragraph.
I should really get some sleep.
Posted in: Downloads, Randomness
September 26th, 2008 / 2 Comments » / by Bee
Well, I thought I was coming down with something but lucky me, it’s just pre-menstrual stress. After a few hours of shut-eye, things are not exactly as dreadful as I thought it is. I am luckier than most. I can’t say the same thing about my five year old cousin who’s going to celebrate Eid Ul Fitr without his mother. I was 26 when I lost my mother. I should feel lucky.
Posted in: Randomness
September 23rd, 2008 / 1 Comment » / by Bee
I have an engineering problem. Physically there’s nothing wrong with me but emotionally I am wreck! I have an ongoing battle with depression. I have been battling this disease for more than five years. I have never officially seek treatment because the term “CRAZY” is not a very favourable term to have in your medical history file. Especially if you work in a government office.
I seem to have won my battle with the vicious disease. I’ve been living above the surface for years now but I am telling you, it’s not easy staying on the surface. The thing is, depression never really leaves you. When it’s gone it’s actually just lying dormant inside of you waiting patiently for the next opportunity to strike.
Life after depression is weird. Everything is either black or white. You’re either extremely happy or extremely sad, there’s no gray in between. I live between these two extremes. I am always abnormally happy or abnormally sad. I can never be just normal.
Even though it’s hard, I try to be abnormally happy all the time. When there are things at work bothering me, I came up with numerous crazy projects to keep myself distracted from the things that are getting on my nerves. I buy things that I can’t afford and I talk ad nauseam about my plans to go going on vacation here and there - Some call this reckless, some call this stupid - I call this my defense mechanism, it’s what I do to keep myself above the surface. Because when your life is in black and white, it’s so easy to feel sad.
Like I said, life after depression is weird. Even the littlest thing could make you extremely joyful or extremely suicidal. I mean it, little things like the lost of a key, stupid comments from your friends or the lost of a pet - all these can pull me under the surface in a heartbeat and I don’t watch the news because the stuff that normally bothers people a little - would bother me A LOT! A sad story would make me cry for days and I don’t do this on purpose, it’s the stupid serotonin level in my head messing with my mind.
In the past few days, I feel a certain heaviness in my chest. I wonder if it’s depression swallowing me whole again - my whole world come crashing down on me again. I wonder if I could save myself from drowning this time? Would I be like this till the day I die?
It’s not fair! I’ve been trying hard. I’ve been trying to deal with things - not just the small things at work but big things like the death of my mother and my aunt’s recent passing. I deserve a time out! I need at least a glimmer of hope that tells me that there’s light at the end of this dark tunnel.
Why can’t I see anything?
Why is everyone dropping dead around me?
In Memoriam
Posted in: Randomness
September 22nd, 2008 / No Comments » / by Bee
I learned a long long time ago that some things cannot be fixed. Even if you somehow managed to fix these things, they might not work the way they are supposed to. I accept this fact wholeheartedly. I believed in it.
My superior seems to have a different take on this. He believes in fixing things. Even the unfixable and this drives me up the wall!
I know. It’s noble.
But because of this nobility, I suffered countless headaches and dilemmas and I was doing just fine with all these up until a few days ago when I JUST CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
YES. I JUST CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I JUST CAN’T. It’s driving me crazy! I mean real crazy, like nail-biting crazy.. or cry-in-the-middle-of-the-night crazy!
I wake up everyday feeling like I want to bite someone’s head off! I am so miserable I can’t wait to get my degree so that I could get the hell out of here!
I want to get the hell out of here!
I want to go somewhere and disappear!
Posted in: Randomness
September 18th, 2008 / 1 Comment » / by Bee
Before I become an underpaid government servant, I was an underpaid graphic designer. I was working in a small publicity department of a rather big tour company in East Malaysia. My life then was a little less mundane than the life I have now. At least back then, all the works my boss bestowed upon me fit the job description perfectly. Now, I also have to do all those stuff that is no where near my job description. But I digress.
I remember my greatest joy back then (other than ogling topless Italian tourists) was when the boss picked up one of my design. THAT, I tell you is a designer’s greatest joy. Nothing can beat the joy of seeing one of your creation come to live!
My current job has nothing to do with designs or anything artistically inclined. But once in a while I do fell back into the loop of being an unwilling designer for people who’s desperate for good designs but to stingy to pay for them. What can I say, the past surely has a way of catching up with you.
Recently my friend begged me to help him design a paper file for our employee’s training unit and today, he sent me the finished product …
Looking at the file, I tried to remember the last time I felt THIS happy! They actually used every details of my design down to the Velcro sticker inside the file! This is actually the first time these people use my work without messing it up to a point where I couldn’t even recognize my own design! I really can’t describe how good this makes me feel, I just feel so good! Like I’ve accomplished something big, even though in reality it’s not really a big accomplishment - I don’t even get the credit for it.
Oh, whatever… I just miss being a graphic designer. If someone would pay me good money to do graphic design, I would leave this s****y government job without even thinking about it.
So, anyone wanna head-hunt me? I am a FANTASTIC graphic designer who is also a seasoned web designer and an aspiring artist! I fix computers like pro and I’m a 3.0 average student! Hire Me!
PS/ I also make an excellent soccer mom - whatever that means. Teehee!
Posted in: Geek TALK
September 17th, 2008 / No Comments » / by Bee
Late last night a voice in my sleepy head spoke to me about youth and old age. It told me that youth is all about clinging on to something and the more you cling on to something the happier you’ll be. That something could be anything - a lover, a friend, pass memories, happiness, dreams, a degree, a PhD, a reason to live, a tree, a hill, hopes, .. you get my drift. These things that you cling on to keep you alive. It keeps you on the surface. So it is essential to cling on to something to keep yourself from drowning.
Old age is just the opposite. It is all about letting go and it is harder than it sounds. Imagine growing up knowing only how to cling on to something and then one fine day someone tells you “Okay mate, time’s up - it’s time to let go!”. Letting go can be the hardest thing to learn, ever. Some people just don’t want to learn it and choose to have a mid-life crisis instead. Some don’t know how to. Some just let go all at once by putting rocks in their pockets and jumping into a river. Some tried to cling on to the strongest tree and hoped that by the time the tree rots and turns to dust, they’d be more than ready to let go. Those who prevailed, were those who had the time to come to a peaceful acceptance before they ever had to learn how to let go. But too few people have the luxury of having all the time in the world. So when some managed to willingly let go and fly… most people could only reluctantly let go and drown.
I think Virginia Woolf lives inside my sleepy head.
I am Afraid Of Virginia Woolf, Baizurah Basri
Waking up one morning and finding out that I could still relate to my old gloomy self is quite a revelation. It’s amazing that after all these years I am still the same old me - I haven’t changed at all! So help me God!
Posted in: Old Post
September 11th, 2008 / No Comments » / by Bee
Lydia gave me this cool award. Thank you so much Lydia! I am sorry it took me sooooo long to post it up here. I just had a long month full of twist and turns and accidents Ha Ha.
I want to pass this to all of my blogging friends!
I also want to take this chance to wish Lydia a Happy Belated Birthday! I am so sorry Lyd, I am such a bad friend. I don’t know where my head is these days. :p
Posted in: Randomness
