When I was in college there was this cybercafe in front of our college that we called “Hell on Earth” because it was dark and noisy and full of smoke. The guys loved to go there to play RPG, CS mostly. One day I was there to do some quick internet search before class started, I was intrigued by the game. So I joined the game and as soon as my character came to live I began shooting at everyone and everything because I thought that was the point, TO KILL EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING. Not long after that a guy in the front row stood up and yelled angrily “Damn, Who the f*ck shot me? Motherf*cking IDIOT!!!!!!”… It was so scary, I immediately logged off the game and pretended to be googling something…. after a few minutes, I left the place and NEVER played Multiplayer CS ever again.
In case he’s still holding a grudge against the mysterious shooter…. It was me dude. I shot your motherEffing ass.
What you end up remembering isn’t always the same as what you have witnessed.
- Julian Barnes, The Sense of An Ending.
For the most part it’s true. What you choose to remember isn’t always the same as what you have witnessed. Selective perception, you can call it. On good days, you remember all the good stuff. On bad days, you remember all the bad and the ugly.
It’s something that you can’t control. It’s almost as random as fate. One day, you’ll look back and see that at one point of your life you made a single decision that changed your entire life simply because it was a bad day and the only thing you were able to pull out of your hat was “the bad and the ugly”. So that was the only thing you had as leverage when you were making your decision; without realizing it, the bad and the ugly shaped and molded the future you that’s inevitably affected by this single moment.
But of course, it’s not something that you can control. Like I said, it’s random and it’s inevitable. So look back, cringe…. and get on with your life.
About what you said. About not feeling complete when you already have everything. Maybe that’s the problem. Having everything. Maybe we have sold pieces of ourselves to get to where we want / what we want. The more we have, the more incomplete we become. In the end we lose ourselves completely because we have sold every ounce of ourselves to our lives. And we will never be complete ever again.
But we are not jigsaw puzzles. We don’t need to be complete to be HAPPY.
As I meander through this week I’ll refrain from eating sugary stuff. I’ll not drink Milo and eat another piece of Cloud 9. I’ll try to Zumba in the evening. I’ll not eat more than I can chew. I’ll scold my sister for cooking too many delicious food. I’ll will not crave CAKE. I’ll not whine about craving CAKE. I’ll try to swallow all my medications. I will not miss a single insulin shot and LIVE happily ever after.
First I stopped smoking. Then I stopped drinking. Soon after that I stopped thinking, and finally I stopped dreaming. I just sit here all day on the internet, waiting for God to slap me in the face.
I’ve been waiting for God to slap me in the face too. But it never happened. I mean.. maybe it did happened but I am just too oblivious to notice.
Perhaps my recently diagnosed diabetes is “it”. My big slap in the face. Maybe I should do what my friend did when she got her big slap in the face, she threw everything to the wind… cautions, friendship, common sense…. everything, and got married. It seemed like the perfect thing to do when death is practically staring you in the face… start a family and deal with the possibility of having your children orphaned at a young age… in the after life. Yeah, I would do that too if I am made of the same materials as the rest of the world….
My problem is… I am not cut from same cloth as everyone else. I think too much and I over-analyze things. I have too much common sense and too much caution. I cannot be anything else.
So stop asking me about marriage. You will not get the answer you’d want to hear.
When I first saw the video I thought it was awful and girl was creepy! But then after watching the video for a while, I couldn’t help but think that she’s a great actress! The video is a metaphorical video… one of the best I’ve ever seen actually. It is actually about the lost of innocence. The apple represents the forbidden fruit and her peeling the apple indicate that she’s in the process of losing her innocence. The expressions on her face showed what she felt throughout the entire thing…. anticipation, fear, joy, confusion, anger and then maybe a little hint of regret in the end. The bleeding hand represents the innocence that she had lost and when she smeared the blood on her lips, used it as a lipstick, that was to show that what did she gave her a kind of maturity… well it’s either that or she’d just embraced her inner promiscuous-ness and became a slut… but I think “maturity” sounds so much nicer :p.
We Are Young by Fun ft Janelle Monae
Give me a second I
I need to get my story straight
My friends are in the bathroom
getting higher than the empire state
my lover she’s waiting for me
just across the bar
My seats been taken by some sunglasses
asking ’bout a scar
and I know I gave it to you months ago
I know you’re trying to forget
but between the drinks and subtle things
the holes in my apologies
you know I’m trying hard to take it back
so if by the time the bar closes
and you feel like falling down
I’ll carry you home
Tonight
We are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter
than the sun
Tonight
we are young
so let’s set the world on fire
we can burn brighter
than the sun
And I know that I’m not
all that you got
I guess that I
I just thought maybe we could find a ways to fall apart
But our friends in back
So let’s raise a toast
Cause I found someone to carry me home
Tonight
We are young
So let’s the set the world on fire
we can burn brighter
than the sun
Tonight
We are young
so let’s set the world on fire
we can burn brighter
than the sun
Carry me home tonight
Just carry me home tonight
Carry me home tonight
Just carry me home tonight
The moon is on my side
I have no reason to run
So will someone come and carry me home tonight
The angels never arrived
but I can hear the choir
so will someone come and carry me home
Tonight
We are young
So let’s set the world on fire
we can burn brighter
than the sun
Tonight
We are young
so let’s set the world on fire
we can burn brighter
than the sun
So if by the time the bar closes
and you feel like falling down
I’ll carry you home tonight
When I was 18 I read a lot of horror. There was one particular horror writer that I was rather obsessed with at the time. His name was Richard Laymon. I stumbled upon his book in our local library. It was one of the weirdest days of my life. That day I was on my way to see my friends at the library and right before going to the library, I got hit by a car. Yup, I was standing at the side of the road and one car came and hit me!
At first I didn’t know what happened. But people were gathering all around me. For some reason I was able to stand up despite having some trouble to breath for a while. The car owner was insisting to take me to the hospital. But I was rather embarrassed to have a lot of people fussing over me… I don’t know why, but I was embarrassed that I got hit by a car and got a lot of attention for it… so as soon as I could speak, I told them I was OKAY. I don’t want to go to the hospital. I told them that in English because I always speak in English when I am upset, angry or feeling vulnerable. It was my defense mechanism. After that I just walked away from those people and some of them just stood there scratching their heads… probably wondering if I was perfectly sane.
I called my dad from a payphone and told him “Hey dad, I just thought you’d wanna know…. I just got hit by a car”. It was a bad move and I was lucky that my dad didn’t die of a heart attack. Later, I went to the clinic… a lady doctor was in charge of the clinic. I just came in like a regular patient. Wait for my turn just like everyone else and when it was finally my turn to see the doctor… you can imagine her horror when I told her what had happened. She began fussing over me like a mother hen… check my body for broken bones and injuries…. and found only some minor bruises and scraped skin. She told me I was lucky that I was fat… because had I been skinny, I would have been seriously injured. She was the only person ever telling me that being fat was lucky! I guess at the time I felt kind of lucky that I was fat too… because if I wasn’t I probably had to go to the hospital in some stranger’s car.
Okay to cut a long story short, I still go to the library to meet my friends that day. When I told them what happened and they asked me why the hell I was still at the library I told them it was nothing because I have “Girl Power”… yeah I was that lame back then :p.
Anyway, that was the day I found Richard Laymon. The library was running out of Mills & boons that I haven’t read, so I pulled out the first book I saw in the horror section. It was a hardcover copy of Laymon’s In the Dark and from the record it seemed that I was the first person ever to pull the book out of the shelf. I was glad I did it because afterward I became Mr. Laymon’s Biggest fan!
I wrote Mr. Laymon a letter once. I didn’t know where to send it so I sent the letter to his publisher at Headline Publishing in London. I was not expecting anything really before this I have written to New Kids on The Block (when I was 10) and never got any reply from them. It just felt good to know that someone out there might know how much I loved Richard Laymon.
But a few weeks after I sent out the letter, I got a letter from Headline Publishing saying that they have received my letter and were going to forward it to Mr.Laymon…. so you can imagine my surprise when I checked my mailbox a week later and found out that Mr. Laymon’s had e-mailed me! I was over the moon! What were the odds of having a big writer reply to his fan mails? It was almost ZERO! But he wrote me back. He didn’t have to but he did and I was so happy.
Mr. Laymon died of a massive heart attack in 2001. I stumbled upon the news on the internet. I was on my final year of college and I had not read any of his books for a long long time. But I was still sad when I read the news. I cried a little and remembered that once, I was a small small girl in a small small town in Borneo. But then, a letter changed how I see the world. A letter told me that no matter how small I feel I could break away from everything that makes me small, if only I could take one step forward.
How I wish I could remember all that feelings right now…. So that I could learn to take the step forward, again.
The author of this online journal is an ex-graphic designer who used to be an underpaid government servant who is also an engineering student who pretends to be an artist who wants to be a miserable manic depressive writer who's pretending to be miserable until exploitations of misery and emotional anguish in literary subjects, go out of fashion.
The author of this online journal is an ex-graphic designer who used to be an underpaid government servant who is also an engineering student who pretends to be an artist who wants to be a miserable manic depressive writer who's pretending to be miserable until exploitations of misery and emotional anguish in literary subjects, go out of fashion. 
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