August 4th, 2010 / No Comments » / by Bee
August is here. It has always been a hectic month for me. The weeks went by so fast at this time of the year. I bet the next time I even bother to check the calender it would be September and I would be wondering how I managed to get swept away by time like that and not get motion sickness?
My writing skill has gone a little bit rusty. I’ve been so busy lately. I can’t seem to think beyond the stuff I do at work and what to cook for dinner. Perhaps I’ve reached that point in my life where everything is taking a backseat to work and dinner? I guess it official now, I am growing to be a boring old woman.
I also found out recently that I can’t speak English as well as I used to and I can’t even speak a simple sentence in Mandarin anymore. I got so frustrated about this. I began listening to Mandarin Songs and reading English books aloud again and this must have frustrated my cousin because I was making so much noise late at night.
I’ve gained back some of the pounds that I’ve lost. August is a bad time of the year to realized that I really need to exercise. It’s car insurance and webhosting renewal month. I am so broke this month and a gym membership is out of the question!
August brings me closer to the age that will officially put me in the OLD Spinster Zone. So you can probably tell how frustrating August is for me – If only I could charge RM1 for every marriage related questions I get, I could at least use the money to buy a ticket to Spain or somewhere where it’s okay to be 30 and unmarried. If my mother is still alive, she would have a peaceful approach to address this issue to me and IF she is still alive I would probably feel secure enough to say that “I don’t give a flying eff about marriage”. But she’s long gone and I have been feeling insecure for quite some time now. No, Don’t get me wrong. I still don’t want to get married, but I am afraid of loneliness.
Look at me. When I talk, I am like a broken jar. I spill out things that I should have kept safe inside me.
August is not a good time to write about anything at all.
Posted in: Randomness
April 7th, 2010 / No Comments » / by Bee
It’s amazing to think how people could change so much in such a short time. I, for example, feel like I have changed so much for the past few years. I can hardly remember my old self anymore.
Sometimes I would look inside myself, trying to find the pieces of my old self; trying to find evidence to show that she, the girl I used to be, is still inside of me; still very much a part of me as she was before.
But the girl I would find would be a stranger, sitting at the strangest corner of my memory, a faceless phantom I hardly know. Completely unknown and invisible but still very much a part of me as she was before, my old-forgotten self.
Sometimes I would miss her so much. I would cry all night and long for her. I would tearfully bid for her return. But like an empty shadow she would remain, within my grasp but totally out of reach. Sitting at the strangest corner of my memory, a void remnant of my past; my old self, forgotten like a sunken continent at the bottom of the dark sleepless sea.
Posted in: Randomness
April 7th, 2010 / No Comments » / by Bee
Outside this stillness. Outside this room. Outside my rain blurred bedroom windows, down on the streets where the neighbourhood children play with cobblestones and dirt, time is in motion. It is the time of the year again, when the world is pressed with the need to get things done, to get things settled and in order. The normal stretch of time shortened, as the hours speed by. Minutes and seconds fly and time begins its race towards another predicted closure.
From the inside, it all resembles a rich motion blur you see outside a bullet train. Fragments of random blurry images burn themselves into my head; mysterious, like series of unanswered questions but at the same time, plain and disposable like the non-shocking truths. Inside the room, clipped nails, hairs, chipped tooth, dead skin cells and emotions lay lifeless on the floor. Quietness is no stranger. It sits on the darkest corner of the room humming its silent tune.
If death is stillness then this is death; quietly tucking away from the recklessness of velocity. But
death has neither soul nor breath. So why does this heaviness press upon my chest and whose sobbing do I hear underneath the silence? When life is gone and death is nowhere near, where do you place yourself?
Outside of this stillness, outside of this room; down to the streets where children play with cobblestones and dirt, to where time is moving at break-neck speed. Rushing towards the closing line; reaching for new beginnings….. While I sit motionless inside a room – where clipped nails, hairs, chipped tooth, dead skin cells and emotions lay lifeless on the floor.
The free site where I kept all my writings exercise is finally making its graceful exit. So they are giving us time to pack our stuff and leave. I am reserving my lunch hour for this very purpose and it is more time consuming than I thought. Bummer.
Posted in: Randomness
March 2nd, 2010 / No Comments » / by Bee
I am currently fascinated with the idea of building tiny houses or prefab-like houses. They’re so cute and tiny, kinda a like a playhouse.
I think it would be cool to build one in the garden. It would be one of a kind and I could go there whenever there are too many people at the main house.
The Tiny House is currently my dream house. I would really like to build one in the future. Believe it or not, I have been researching these tiny houses for more than five years. It’s safe to say that I am obsessed with them. Some of you might feel that it’s ridiculous to want such tiny houses, but I am spinster – I am allowed to have tiny dreams and a tiny house.
Tiny House Blog
LoftCUBE
TumbleWeed Houses
Posted in: Randomness
February 3rd, 2010 / No Comments » / by Bee
Shakespeare said that one should not grief in silence because a silent grief kills from the inside. But how do we grief un-silently? How do we give words to sorrow when the sorrow is so big you can’t find a word big enough to describe it?
I am ten times undone with fear. I am afraid to wake up one day and realized that my world has changed again. Time moving forward taking everyone and everything that I hold dear with it and I would be the only one left – holding on to the past.
I would be like a little girl whose shoes got swept away by river. I would sit by the river and weep and with variety of pain and sorrow distract myself from what I had lost.
Posted in: Randomness
February 1st, 2010 / 1 Comment » / by Bee
You are an extreme stickler for things. Things have to be just the way you want them to be, but you can’t help it, it is just your crazy coming through. You may be some neat freak, very repetitive, or maybe you just can’t help but pull out 12 hairs every time you hear a train. Whatever it is, people tend to mistake you for being crazy, but guess what, you kinda are. And another thing, the world is not gonna end if you lighten up a bit.
Yeah. People tend to mistake me for being a little crazy, but guess what, I kinda am! *INSERT CRAZY LAUGH HERE*.
Posted in: Randomness
January 27th, 2010 / No Comments » / by Bee
I check the sky every day.
Looking for any sign of a storm that might be coming.
I have an umbrella ready.
I keep it right beside my “rainy days” sandals.
Just in case.
and I keep a diary.
Just in case.
Just in case the flood takes me away
From here.
And drown me.
So later, you could read it.
And pretend that you know me better than anyone else.
Posted in: Randomness
